BEING NICE TO POPSTARS
A WAY FORWARD
| KEY POINTS » Despite their fantastic haircuts and superhuman good looks, popstars are just people like the rest of us. If you prick them, do they not bleed? (WARNING: Do not prick any popstars to find out - they do in fact bleed, it was a rhetorical question.) » It should be possible for popstars to sign copies of mediocre books without fear of being hit around the head by a bellend, and it is the absolute right of anybody to go about their daily job without fear of being punched, unless they are Perez Hilton. » Decisions about rights and wrongs and 'facts of the matter' are too easily made by fans and media who don't in fact have access to all the facts. Everybody is guilty of this from time to time. When being actively Nice To Popstars, make sure you always give them the benefit of the doubt: whatever the problem, remember they are not being difficult, picky, late, rude, self obsessed, unreasonable, cash-hungry or inept. Why not blame 'the label', 'the management' or, at a push, 'the media'? » To understand a popstar, walk a mile in their shoes. If you don't want to walk a mile, allow someone to hold an umbrella over your head as you walk three metres out of your front door to an account cab that has been waiting for forty five minutes while you've been sitting around in your house texting your mates. » If you really need to punch a popstar channel your energies in the direction of one who deserves it, like Chris Brown. WAYS YOU CAN HELP » Send your favourite popstar some flowers, or a box of chocolates. Do not be tempted to put little bits of pube in with the chocolates like you usually do - remember, this is all about being nice. » Tweet a popstar and tell them something you like about them. Maybe respond with a cheery 'LOL' to their endless pleas to purchase a new single or album. » Organise an after-school club in which you talk attendees through a lengthy Powerpoint presentation detailing good things about a popstar. Don't forget your laser pointer! » If a popstar releases a new song you consider to be below average quality or perhaps not up to the high standards of their previous releases, do not flood the internet with endless messages along the lines of 'THIS ACT SHOULD BE DROPPED NOW THEY'RE SHIT THEY WERE SHIT ALL ALONG THEY'LL ALWAYS BE SHIT HOW CAN ANYONE THINK THIS IS ANYTHING OTHER THAN SHIT OH GOD MY EARS MY EARS SOMEONE SAVE ME FROM THIS WALL OF SHIT'. Instead, post some constructive criticism, or maybe say nothing at all! As the old saying goes, "if you can't say something nice, start a gossip blog". » If someone sends you a YouTube clip of a popstar falling over, delete the message and don't forward or retweet it. You'll do so safe in the knowledge that while you have watched the clip and found it highly entertaining, you have not passed it on to other people - you are therefore morally superior. » Seen an ex-member of a boyband, for example Blue, out and about? Brighten their day by not shouting "OI WANKER" across the street. » Go to iTunes and purchase the worst song on a popstar's album - it's probably their favourite track. » There are loads of ways you can be nice to your favourite popstar. Let your imagination run wild! BEEN NICE TO A POPSTAR? Let us know. Send details of your niceness with any supporting documentation to nicetopopstars@popjustice.com. |